Kinky and Erotic: The Onion

Showing posts with label The Onion. Show all posts

Showing posts with label The Onion. Show all posts

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Relationship Advice for Women - Getting Your Guy to Notice You

The world would be such a great place if only more women read The Onion and took its advice literally. Ladies, this isn't satire; this is for real.

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Kinky and Erotic Quotes

"A dirty book is rarely dusty." – Anonymous
"A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view." – Sophia Loren
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." – Barbara Bush
"Everyone does it, and if they say they don't they're lying. It's a sacred thing." – Britney Spears
"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children." – Mark Twain
"Healthy, lusty sex is wonderful." – John Wayne
"I bit into the root of forbidden fruit / With the juice running down my leg." – Bob Dylan, Where Are You Tonight? (Journey Through Dark Heat)
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty" – George F. Burns
"I found no surprises in the Kinsey Report." – Actress Tallulah Bankhead
"If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun." – Katharine Hepburn
"In the future, there won't be gay people or straight people, just wankers." - from Trainspotting (the movie because we haven't read the book)
"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses." - Daphne Fielding, author, from The Duchess of Jermyn Street
"It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue." - Voltaire
"Kinky Sex Makes the World go Round." - title of a song by The Dead Kennedys (which has nothing to do with sex incidentally, or kinkiness)
"Lord, grant me chastity and continence... but not yet." - Augustine of Hippo (St. Augustine)
"Love ain’t nothing but sex misspelled" - Title of a book by Harlan Ellison (1968)
"Men get laid, but women get screwed." - Quentin Crisp
"My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live." - Erica Jong
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got." - Sophia Loren
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer." - Swami X
"Sex relieves tension - love causes it." - Woody Allen
"The greatest happiness for the thinking man is to have fathomed the fathomable, and to quietly revere the unfathomable." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (Proverbs in Prose, 1819)
"The problem of being an Atheist is that you got no one to talk to during orgasm."
"The smell of her hair, the taste of her mouth, the feeling of her skin seemed to have got inside him or into the air all around him. She had become a physical necessity" - George Orwell, 1984 (By which we mean the novel with the title 1984 obviously. He died in 1950)
"The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul." - William B. Yeats
"This has ever been the fate of energy in security; it takes to art and to eroticism, and then come languor and decay." - from The Time Machine by H.G. Wells
"What is commonly called love, namely the desire of satisfying a voracious appetite with a certain quantity of delicate white human flesh." - Henry Fielding